Rewriting Herstory

I think I am slowly figuring out what I want to do with my life.

This much I know is for sure, I'm going to do something that makes me happy. 

I don't want to look back on my life and realize that I was doing things to make everyone else happy, but be unhappy myself.

As obedient as I am, I don't want to find myself dying slowly because I'm not happy. 

So, I'm making some drastic changes.

I only hope that I somehow get the strength and bravery to tell my family. 

Cause for a smile:

I got to talk to my one of my best friends, my little brother, and my mom today. 

Just hearing the sounds of their voices and knowing that I'm not stuck in a box at school is a great thing. 

I'm slowly marking things off of my list of things to do.

Slowly, but surely.

So, for the past few days, I've been getting used to waking up at about nine o'clock, taking a pee, getting back into bed, then going back to sleep.

What actually has been happening the past few days is that I wake up at about 11 to a phone call from my mom. The conversation usually goes like this.

She asks if I'm sleeping.
I lie and say no because I see her name on my caller ID and know she is going to ask it and try to wake up in half a second.
She asks me why I'm still sleeping.
I tell her that I'm awake and it doesn't matter because I don't have class.
She says okay.

Today it was an unexpected call. She told me that someone died. It wasn't just anyone. He a senior when I was in the junior high. Our junior high and senior high school was on the same campus. Our paths crossed a few times. I played on the same soccer team with his sister. He had an aneurysm.

I guess that I was affected by it because it was the first thing I was greeted with in the morning. And then my mom said that he was 26. Life is so freaking short. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to say. 

He was 26 years old, and he died of an aneurysm. 

Then, later today, one of my best friends told me that my teacher passed away. 

She was my English Honors teacher in high school. To quote one of my best friends, "She had a major impact on our writing."

She helped me realized that I was okay at writing and English. Because of her, she put me on a path to English. If I accomplish or contemplate an English Literature or Writing major more, then it'll be because of her.

She was patient. She was able to put up with our classes' antics when we would try to distract her by setting off timers and trying to avoid tests. But because of her, I ended up liking Shakespeare. I remember that I got a perfect grade on a test where all I wrote on an essay was one sentence. I laughed, but I was the only person to get a 100 on that test. 

We may have done a lot of stupid things in her class, but I learned a lot.

I carry a lot of it with me now.

Two deaths today...

Cause for a smile:

So, today, I went to play volleyball. I haven't gone to play for a little more than a week, so I was tired at first. But like always, I just had to get over the initial tiredness, then I was good. I had some good digs, and it was fun just playing with bunch of people.

I know that I'm going to have bruises tomorrow because for one play, I feel like my body contorted like a pretzel.

But I got out all of the energy that I had since I drank a lot of coffee and tea today. 

And now I'm exhausted.

The caffeine, then the crash.

Well, I think that I'm actually going to start cleaning our place tomorrow. I bought some cleaning supplies because our bathroom and kitchen is filthy.

I should get some sleep.

But I probably won't.

I'm probably going to be up for a few more hours writing.

I'm not complaining.