So, I'm trying to figure out people's intentions. Like, why people do what they do. I guess it has to do with the writer in me and needing to know what goes on in everyone's head.

I'm saying this because people are making decisions and doing things that I thought they would never do. But here they are, surprising the crap out of me.

People that I thought were my best friends...

But I do what I always do in times like this.

I push it back.

And to quote my friend, "Yeah, because that's healthy."

I'm sure you can hear him rolling his eyes.

But, it's how I deal.

It's just the fact that I can't understand, it's causing me so much grief...

I seriously feel like I'm getting sick over it.

I wouldn't be surprised...

Community Stories:

So, I was supposed to set two intentions... or something... for my weekend. Lockdown and focus. I have a horrible week coming ahead of me, and if I can make it through, then I'm home free.

Or at least as home free as I can be.

I talked to my professor today about how nervous I am about my future and everything...

I want to know why it's so easy for me to tell her the struggles that I'm going through, but I can't even fathom saying anything revealing to my mom and dad.

I guess I'm just so use to playing the role of the obedient daughter that I don't know what else to do.

Stress...

Cause for a smile:

Community stories.

I've been so stressed out and frustrated lately that it has brought me to the brink of tears multiple times lately. This class is one of my outlets.

I finally got to hang out with one of my friends that I haven't seen in awhile. Granted, I've been avoiding him, but honestly, he is one of my best outlets.

Telling him about all of my stress nearly brought me to tears again today...

Gosh, I'm so emotional.

But I honestly needed it...

I thank God for these amazing friends that he's surrounded me with.

And now I'm tired...

Good night

So, yes, it is another Tuesday.

But I have to say that this Tuesday was different from all other Tuesdays so far this semester. Granted, there has only been three total, but this one has been... mentally exhausting.

I guess I should start off by saying:

HAPPY FAT TUESDAY EVERYONE!

I'll come back to the whole religion thing later. 

So, I don't think that I will every get over the class from 8:00 AM - 9:30 PM every Tuesday. Thank goodness I don't have luau practice, because I might've had to take something to get through my day. 

But I got through my lab painfree.

Then I had to go to my Community Stories class. I had to share a story today because I didn't get a chance to share one last week. And I wanted to lie. I am one of the best liars I know, and I didn't want to have to expose my soul to these people. Not just yet. 

But I couldn't lie.

Not today. So I told a story about my cousin and how I wondered if she was happy. Which led to my voice cracking and saying that I wasn't sure if I was happy.

I nearly cried, but without the waterworks. And I couldn't stop. And I hated it because I didn't want to sound so emo and vulnerable in front of these people.

But easily enough, I smiled and tried to play it off.

Damn, the walls I have are so freaking high.

So, I realized the reason that I was such a brat last week was because it was that time of the month. YAY FOR PREDICTABILITY OF MY FEMALENESS.

Boo on the fact that now I have to do damage control on my brattiness.

Great.

Another thing for me to feel guilty about.

So, one of my friends (Friend A) told me that another one of our friends (Friend B) said that I don't invite him out anymore. So, when I heard that I ended up feeling really guilty. I have a really big guilt process, and when I feel like I do something wrong, sometimes I can get really sick over it. So, my thing is that, I want to know when I have gone out and not invited him. Like weekend wise, for the past two weekends, I've been sick so I haven't gone out.

If he was talking about this past Saturday when I went on an epic adventure, it wasn't my adventure to invite people to. I don't know if he knew that. And even though I still feel like I'm justifying this, I'm really feeling guilty over it...

*SIGH*

Okay, so today is Fat Tuesday, which means tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. Which means the start of Lent, and now I have to give something up. Or change something about myself to become a better Christian.

Here is my list so far.

Stop swearing.
Buy 1 DVD per month
Have a positive outlook
Do not procrastinate
Thank God at least once a day
Patience

But I'm already being bothered by this whole thing.

Well, I changed my status on facebook to invite anyone to come with me to Mass. I did this not really thinking that people would come out of the woodworks to want to come with me. I thought that it would only be the people that I've gone to Mass with before.

But a lot of people were calling me for times and everything.

And I started to wonder how many of these people were sincere. I mean, a lot of the people haven't gone to church all year. And I know that Ash Wednesday is one of the holy days of obligation, but is that all it is to these people? An obligation?

I mean, I get up every Sunday morning and go to church. I walk, or I catch a ride. I even go alone. And I'm a senior in college so it isn't like I'm not busy. But I try to take the time to go to church every Sunday. God gave me a lot, the least I can do is give him an hour or two of my time a week.

I guess I just want to know what everyone's intentions are that is going who hasn't gone in awhile. Are they going because they want to go? Or are they going because all of their friends are going?

I'm thinking too much. And I don't know if it's bothering me or not. 

Cause for a smile:

I finished reading Robinson Crusoe today. I'm not quite sure if I completely grasped the concept of the book because I was more concerned about Friday and Crusoe's relationship than anything else. I think that I was missing the point. But it's how I read. I need to become invested in a character for me to be able to continue reading a book. 

I have a list taped right above my light switch in my room. From where I am lying down, I can see that there are 22 items on that list. I've crossed off half of one. 

But I'm tired.

I didn't get to nap today, and I want to sleep so I have the energy to conquer the world tomorrow. Or at least a few items on my list.

So long and goodnight.